It started so simply.
The conversation started out innocently enough. A few of us at a church function talking
about whether we were stubborn or easy-going in regards to life in
general. In a completely honest moment,
I acknowledged my severe stubbornness once I have made a plan. I even made a joke that it takes a brick from
heaven to make me think that something other than what I want is a viable
option. Over the last two weeks, it hasn’t
been a brick, but there have been brick-lets maybe. There was a couple brick-lets that came right
during this two weeks of existential crisis.
I was denied financial aid at the community college because I have too
many credits. Then two days later, I was
told I had to change my major because you need to graduate already, so choose
something else. The messages all made me
arrive at the same conclusion, time to redirect.
I have been straddling two loves for a while now, never
really making a decision between the two while secretly hoping for both. I have gone back and forth between the
medical field and English. Even while
working to get into the radiologic technology program I still worked on my
English BA. I even thought that after I
started work, I could still finish my English degree. I have had near constant anxiety about
reapplying to the program since I did not get in last march. What would happen if I did not get in again? I can’t afford to waste another year. My kids have become accustomed to eating,
sometimes multiple times a day. They
expect clothes, beds, and they expect those things to be in a house. Selfish brats. The idea that I could spend
the next year getting ready for something that might not happen is
paralyzing.
I met with an advisor in the health sciences department and
discussed back-up plans. None of the
plans would ever provide me enough income to take care of my family. Nor was I remotely interested in those
programs, I think that’s kind of important.
Everywhere I looked seemed to lead to dead ends.
Today, I met with an advisor at the U to discuss finishing
my English degree. We spoke about how
quickly I could finish and then actually start working. I came away feeling pretty awesome. The best part is that I have been anxiety
free for a couple days now. The second
best part is being on track to graduate in August of 2015, four semesters from now. Almost two years earlier than I thought I would
be working.
So, that is that. It
is time for me to give up on something so I can focus on something else. Someone told me to keep trying and not give up
on my dreams. It is not about that. The truth of the matter is this: I need to
take care of my family. Nothing matters
more to me than that.
And hey! Let's hear it for the University of Utah Class of 2015!
