It started so simply. The conversation started out innocently enough. A few of us at a church function talking about whether we were stubborn or easy-going in regards to life in general. In a completely honest moment, I acknowledged my severe stubbornness once I have made a plan. I even made a joke that it takes a brick from heaven to make me think that something other than what I want is a viable option. Over the last two weeks, it hasn’t been a brick, but there have been brick-lets maybe. There was a couple brick-lets that came right during this two weeks of existential crisis. I was denied financial aid at the community college because I have too many credits. Then two days later, I was told I had to change my major because you need to graduate already, so choose something else. The messages all made me arrive at the same conclusion, time to redirect.
I have been straddling two loves for a while now, never really making a decision between the two while secretly hoping for both. I have gone back and forth between the medical field and English. Even while working to get into the radiologic technology program I still worked on my English BA. I even thought that after I started work, I could still finish my English degree. I have had near constant anxiety about reapplying to the program since I did not get in last march. What would happen if I did not get in again? I can’t afford to waste another year. My kids have become accustomed to eating, sometimes multiple times a day. They expect clothes, beds, and they expect those things to be in a house. Selfish brats. The idea that I could spend the next year getting ready for something that might not happen is paralyzing.
I met with an advisor in the health sciences department and discussed back-up plans. None of the plans would ever provide me enough income to take care of my family. Nor was I remotely interested in those programs, I think that’s kind of important. Everywhere I looked seemed to lead to dead ends.
Today, I met with an advisor at the U to discuss finishing my English degree. We spoke about how quickly I could finish and then actually start working. I came away feeling pretty awesome. The best part is that I have been anxiety free for a couple days now. The second best part is being on track to graduate in August of 2015, four semesters from now. Almost two years earlier than I thought I would be working.
So, that is that. It is time for me to give up on something so I can focus on something else. Someone told me to keep trying and not give up on my dreams. It is not about that. The truth of the matter is this: I need to take care of my family. Nothing matters more to me than that.
And hey! Let's hear it for the University of Utah Class of 2015!