Plan C

The first week of the semester hit me like a ton of bricks.  One of the first things I started doing was looking for a back-up plan.  I was filled with self-doubt.  The work load was intense and challenging, to say the least.  I recently got back the result back from my first round of mid-terms.  I did better than I had expected.  In my Biology class, I got a 92.5 (my worst score, class average 62).  In Chemistry, I got a 98 (one question wrong, class average 69).  In Math, I got a 100 (I did miss the bonus extra credit question).  This filled me with relief and confidence.  It was an answer to my prayers, a little whisper to me that I can do this and handle this all on my own.

A couple days later came the big But.  I can do this, But should I?  That first week that I was researching back-up plans, I stumbled across a program here in Utah that I didn’t even know existed, but I ignored it because I already made up my mind about what I was going to do. 

I spent a couple weeks tracking my hours.  I spend 30 hours a week commuting.  There’s really nothing that can be done about that one, taking the train is free and gives me a little study time.  I spend about 16-20 hours at week at school itself.  And, on average, I’m studying about 30 hours.  That’s about 80 hours a week for school.  For the next eleven years?  I’ve only been doing this for two months.  The intensity is only going to increase, the competition more fierce, the stress more intense.  All of a sudden the idea of keeping this up for the next decade didn’t seem worth the reward at the end.  Especially when faced with the reality that my children will only be home with me for the next ten years or so. 

Time to really face reality.  Reality: I have no life.  I study, go to school, and drive my kids around in the evenings.  The phrase I say to my children is, “I don’t have time for that.”  My kids have already lost their dad, now they are losing their mom, too?  I’m exhausted all the time, yet I don’t sleep that well.  I fall asleep in class, on the train, and not at night.  I could arrive on the other side of this having accomplished what I set out to, But at what cost?  My relationship with my family, a majority of my sanity, and probably my hair.  The one thing I have come to understand during this time is how precious my kids are to me.  And how great they are.  I don’t have it in me to ask them to sacrifice any more than they already have. 

I came up with my answer: I can, But I shouldn’t.  I did a little more research into a less intense option and then discussed it with some of my siblings.  It was my brother Derrick that put it best when he said that he liked my other plan because there was life in it.  In all my considerations, I actually hadn’t thought about what it would mean to me personally.  I just thought about my workload and what it would mean for the children.  The thought of me having a life again?  Thrilling and terrifying at the same time. 

These last few days have been amazing.  I fee lighter.  I was filled with instant relief and all of my anxiety melted away.  I do not need any more confirmation than that. 

So onto Plan C.  I am going to take it down a notch.  Benefits:  I will be able to start working in 3 years or so, instead of eleven.  I will have more time for my kids.  I will not have to move.  My kids will be able to be settled and finish school where they are.  I will get to stay near my family.  I am going back to a plan from years ago when I wanted to be a Radiologic Technician.  After a few years of working or maybe after the kids are grown, I can try to become a Radiologist Assistant (the Radiologist equivalent of a Physician’s Assistant).  There are not many programs in the nation, and guess what?  There is one right here in Utah. 

I feel like I have been blessed and guided to this new course.  And should this one not pan out, there are still quite a few letters left in the alphabet.  I don't know why this came to me, but I remembered the Cookie Monster song, "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me, Hey!"  When I was a kid I used to sing, " C is for Cristtin, that's good enough for me, Hey!" 

 

I guess that's why this one is called Plan C.