Redirect

We all have those moments in our lives.  One person makes a comment and it rolls off the back.  Then the next day, something along the same topic happens.  When this goes on for a couple weeks, it really makes a person think. 

It started so simply.  The conversation started out innocently enough.  A few of us at a church function talking about whether we were stubborn or easy-going in regards to life in general.  In a completely honest moment, I acknowledged my severe stubbornness once I have made a plan.  I even made a joke that it takes a brick from heaven to make me think that something other than what I want is a viable option.  Over the last two weeks, it hasn’t been a brick, but there have been brick-lets maybe.  There was a couple brick-lets that came right during this two weeks of existential crisis.  I was denied financial aid at the community college because I have too many credits.  Then two days later, I was told I had to change my major because you need to graduate already, so choose something else.  The messages all made me arrive at the same conclusion, time to redirect.

I have been straddling two loves for a while now, never really making a decision between the two while secretly hoping for both.  I have gone back and forth between the medical field and English.  Even while working to get into the radiologic technology program I still worked on my English BA.  I even thought that after I started work, I could still finish my English degree.  I have had near constant anxiety about reapplying to the program since I did not get in last march.  What would happen if I did not get in again?  I can’t afford to waste another year.  My kids have become accustomed to eating, sometimes multiple times a day.  They expect clothes, beds, and they expect those things to be in a house.  Selfish brats. The idea that I could spend the next year getting ready for something that might not happen is paralyzing. 

I met with an advisor in the health sciences department and discussed back-up plans.  None of the plans would ever provide me enough income to take care of my family.  Nor was I remotely interested in those programs, I think that’s kind of important.  Everywhere I looked seemed to lead to dead ends.

Today, I met with an advisor at the U to discuss finishing my English degree.  We spoke about how quickly I could finish and then actually start working.  I came away feeling pretty awesome.  The best part is that I have been anxiety free for a couple days now.  The second best part is being on track to graduate in August of 2015, four semesters from now.  Almost two years earlier than I thought I would be working. 

So, that is that.  It is time for me to give up on something so I can focus on something else.  Someone told me to keep trying and not give up on my dreams.  It is not about that.  The truth of the matter is this: I need to take care of my family.  Nothing matters more to me than that.    

 

And hey! Let's hear it for the University of Utah Class of 2015!